I stood over a bowl of chickpeas the other day and started crying. I was mashing the damn things for an amazing chickpea salad that I make, and just the effort of mashing was making me feel exhausted.
Mashing chickpeas was making me feel exhausted.
This just isn't right. I'm 38.
This isn't the first time, and right now, with my Lyme disease fight, I know it isn't my last. But I had to wipe my tears and keep mashing. Sometimes I don't know if my exhaustion is mental exhaustion or physical exhaustion these days.
I often weigh in the options of sharing my health journey with the online world, because... why?
I go back and forth, telling myself that my focus is 100% healing right now and sharing just leaks my energy. And as you know from my chickpea incident above, I need every single ounce of energy I can get these days.
On the flip side, I'm a believer that knowledge is power and if my experiences and my health journey can benefit someone else, then hell yes.
So in the end, I do what makes me feel good. And tonight, sharing with you my most recent slaps in the face feel right.
For those who don't know, I have lyme disease. I went through a 4 day magnetic treatment at the end of January. The magnet is a monster sized magnet that is placed over all areas where lyme is present in my body. It takes about 2 hours a day. The point of the magnet is to make your body an alkaline environment. For those who don't have lyme, you can easily make your body an alkaline environment by drinking warm lemon water daily. For those of us with a compromised or even non-existent immune system, we need something like an enormous sized magnet.
The good news: the treatment worked. I had to follow a super strict diet following the treatment to keep my body as alkaline as possible (sheesh - it's freaking hard. WHAT is in our food these days? Don't get me started).
The bad news: I stepped onto an airplane way too soon after treatment.
The thing is, I'm a yoga teacher that travels. Non-stop. My lifestyle doesn't foster healing. I pack my carrots (and raise eyebrows through security) and my individual packs of walnut butter and I do the best that I can. Plus, just flying on an airplane does havoc to your kidneys.
Long story short, symptoms started to appear again. In the same form, but this time, they came back with a vengeance.
I love what I do. I am so freaking passionate about my job that it is a non-negotiable to give it up. However, with recent test results, I'm learning that maybe I need to create more goodness in the state of Colorado or only teach X amount of retreats, workshops, and trainings per year. Will I? Time will tell.
I received some test results back that made me gasp.
Rheumatoid arthritis. It was obvious I had some sort of arthritis. Yet the results showed my levels 426 points (!!!) above normal levels.
Epstein Bar Virus. Again no surprise to know there would be some sort of sign. Results showed 567 points above normal levels.
Holy shit you guys. I'm 38 years old.
The doctor I saw today asked me how I am even functioning. How do I work? How do I travel? How do I stand?
And it made me feel grateful (and laugh). If I didn't have the yoga practice I have, of tuning into my organs and knowing which poses help which organs and which organs do what, I might be absolutely defeated. I felt so grateful that I know what I know. I'm so appreciative of my self care routine. Of my meditation practice.
And that my friends, simply shows you the power and leverage of self care.
And as my dear friend, Elli Richter always tells me: use frustration to fuel inspiration.
Yes I was frustrated because I feel like I am an overall healthy person. My body is screaming at me otherwise. So I am taking that frustration and making small changes that will have a big impact on me.
I cancelled my trip to Greece scheduled for next week.
I'm not hugging anyone anymore, for the time being. I believe it's a beautiful energy exchange, but right now, my energy is for me.
Since my results also show that my body is basically absorbing nothing and my immune system doesn't exist, I will be inhaling essential oils non-stop for the weeks to come. At least I know I can get things moving through my blood stream that way.
Will I still teach and run my events? ABSOLUTELY. It's what makes my world go round and keeps me inspired.
Will my responses via email and text be slower? Most likely. Don't take it personally.
Lastly, I connected with someone who had lyme for 10 years and he has turned me onto some amazing products that help you re-build, from the ground up. Clean clean clean supplements (I wouldn't do it any other way, especially when my body isn't absorbing much right now) that will help my immune system revive. I've heard it's a rocky road at first, jump starting the system (fever, nausea, etc), but I'm willing.
Chad actually has his own youtube channel that he is getting up and running, trying to educate all of us on this nasty disease. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ6ccJjzMEnKGCFfIBIs0gg
So why am I telling you all of this?
To let you know that we all have our battles. What's the saying -- BE NICE because you never know what battle the person is fighting.
I'm telling you this in case you feel defeated with anything in your life, YOU GOT THIS. Making a list of small, but mighty changes for myself felt so good.
We are truly responsible for ourselves. For our choices. For letting a situation make us feel like either a victim or an inspired challenge where we say BRING IT (and maybe we say "bring it" after we have a good cry).
It's ok. Whatever you are feeling, going through, stuck on, frustrated with, it's ok.
And if one solution doesn't work, you try another. You don't stop.
If you have any sort of auto-immune issues, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I GET IT. Feel free to reach out and share your story.
I'll keep you posted with what happens over the next few months.
I'm feeling excited and pissed at the same time.
What is life without feelings?
p.s.... you need to make this: http://ohsheglows.com/2015/07/21/chickpea-salad/