I forgot my underwear at the doctor's office....

undies.jpg

I was wearing a dress, so I didn't have to change into a robe for my lady doctor.  All I had to do was take off my underwear.  Maybe too much information, but now it's justified, maybe?  I find the situation quite humorous.

I didn't leave my underwear behind on purpose (obviously), but sometimes brain fog consumes you, especially when you also have an immense amount of pain just trying to survive in public.

Pain is a teacher.

You know how when you can't do something, you get around yourself to make it happen?  You'll overcompensate here or under compensate there.  You find "clever skills" you never knew you had.  It's the same effort with pain.  Except with pain, you learn very quickly that you can't get around yourself.  At least in my case, these last few months, I've felt stuck, literally.

I still can't dress myself 100%.  I still have trouble sitting down and standing up.  I still have to teach with my shoes on because my feet are painful.  I still have days of immense brain fog (hence leaving my own underwear behind).  But from where I was a few months ago to now, I have tears of immense gratitude.  

Healing is the most patient process I have ever experienced.  And let me be clear:  I fought the healing process for many years.  I did not make an active choice to surrender; my body did it for me.  Take note of those signs that ask you to slow down before a 2x4 figuratively plows you over.  I'm someone who likes to go, who likes to play outside, who doesn't want to stop seeing the world, who is always thinking of new ideas and jumping up and down about them.  Until I couldn't....

It's  quite interesting to me as we live in this world of instant gratification, we want to be healed NOW.  It's as if we planted a field of sunflowers and immediately after covering the seed with dirt, we were discouraged that the flower hadn't appeared.  Let's admit, we do it with many things nowadays: why doesn't this diet work, why doesn't this fitness routine work, why hasn't the world changed after protesting, why doesn't my skin look good after one use of a new product, etc, etc.  I know you can relate.

Healing has taught me to slow the F down. And I mean, WAAAYYYYYYY down. Cancelling trips. Sitting down to meditate more than once a day. Learning to 'DO" nothing. That is a huge pill to swallow. Usually I'll be "doing" nothing and within that space, I think of all the things I could be "doing". In the over stimulated world we live in today, it's exceptionally hard to not feel guilty or lazy or unaccomplished or even unsuccessful when you're sitting around because you know you need to.

All of this sitting around and quieting my mind has taught me that this is the only way to move forward. To heal. To drop myself and the low vibration "shoulds".

I use to think that the pause would only hold me back. Hinder me. Cause me to miss out. Lose momentum in my career. And now, I almost laugh and cry at the same time about that belief I held. No pain, no gain, right? No hard work, no accomplishments, right?

I feel as if I know myself better than ever.  And the most beautiful realization for me is, I'm only just beginning.  I feel that I've been able to nourish my career and really get clear about what it is I am doing and what no longer serves me.  And most importantly, I've revamped my personal boundaries so much so that I know where to spend my energy and where to hold it true to me.

Pain has taught me:

> Inconsistency is your friend and you get really good at riding the waves.

> You NEVER know what someone is going through.  I look seemingly "normal", but if you witnessed me trying to pick a pen up off the floor, you would either think I was expecting a baby or I was 99 years old. 

> My compassion has been fine tuned in a way I never thought existed.

> To trust myself.  There are so many approaches to lyme disease and diets and what is good for you and what isn't.  I've learned to tap into my body and feed it was it needs, even if it's not good for lyme.  Just as I teach in yoga, everyone is working with their own set of conditions.

> To feel.  That is no small gesture.

There's a great benefit to the pause.  And I knew this before my lyme disease kicked my ass (and my brain, and my feet and my knees - ha).  We all know this.  But it's like reading those quotes you see on brilliant cards or even on social media:  they resonate and they make sense and they might even inspire us.  Yet the day they apply to us is a whole new ballgame.

I work with a lot of people who are healing and I see and feel their resistance to the process.  I get it.  I really do.  Yet the surest way to begin the healing process is to surrender.  Surrender holds a lot of unknowns.  How freaking amazing is that?

Here's to the unknown.

If you're in a healing state, I see you and hear you.  It's a personal journey.

p.s.... use caution when searching for an image of lace underwear.